“All parenting is based on sheer terror.”

This has been my maxim about being a Dad for a few years now. I usually say it tongue in cheek.

Parenting books, videos, and curricula sell like hotcakes. Why? Because what I said is true. All parenting is based on sheer terror, and fear sells. Buy my book, or else you won’t have the secret knowledge to parent. Buy our video or you won’t have the skill to help your child. Send your child (and your money) to our college in order to have the best child. Sometimes I have to look at such things for sale and say out loud to myself, “That thought is a lie. No one book, video, or college has something of such importance that if you don’t buy it then your child will languish in obscurity, and all your parenting will be for naught.”

The fear (no matter the age of your child/children!) is palpable though, isn’t it? What was the last thing you bought for your child based on fear? What was the last thing you did as a parent with fear at the base of it? How long ago was it? I’d be surprised if you said it was more than a week. Think about your own parents. What things did they do for you that were motivated out of fear?

The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). The perfect love of God for us sent Christ to redeem us from the bondage of slavery to sin. We no longer need to do our parenting in slavish fear. The fear that says, “You’re going to mess up parenting,” is a fear that comes from unbelief. Do you believe that God sent his Son because of his great love for you (John 3:16)? If so, then walk in the love of Christ for you. If so, parent in the love of Christ for you.

I believe that means that we should parent out of joy rather than fear. What does that mean? It means at least three things: Be observant in your parenting. Be thoughtful in your parenting. Be prayerful in your parenting.

Observe your child. Observe yourself.

It is a joy to watch a baby smile. It is a joy to watch a teenager’s eyes light up when they realize something new about the world. Sometimes we forget to observe our children and as a result we miss out on the joy of parenting. The thing that steals this joy is our fear. The baby is smiling now, but we’re afraid they are about to start crying and so we need to think now about how to fix that. If the teenager’s lights have come on about one idea, we’re still frustrated by the wrestling they went through to get to that point. We fear that there is more wrestling to come and we’re afraid of what that might cost us as parents. Christ calls us to maintain our curiosity toward our children.

He who makes a new sunset everyday calls us to observe the world around us. He calls us to be curious about our children and to observe them in every age and stage of life as they grow. Replace your fear with curiosity. Let your curiosity cause you to look at and really see what it is that your child is doing. Not only will this cause you to marvel at what God is doing in them and through them, but it will also give you all the data you need when you need to intervene for your child in a situation. This will lead you to be a thoughtful parent.

Think about what you see. Think about what you are doing.

When you meet a bear in the woods, the “fight or flight” response of human physiology is a good thing to have hardwired in by our Creator. It doesn’t always serve us as well in parenting. Especially as our children grow, we want to do more thinking about the things we observe rather than jump to conclusions and fight them or flee from them.

What do you see your child doing? What will you do in response? Is what you see something that you also did as a child? Is your response going to be the same or different than that of your own parents? (Remember that doing the opposite is also a form of imitation!) There are many things in this world of which we can be afraid. Let’s train ourselves in the community of the church to help each other think through our parenting rather than short circuit our thinking with “fight or flight” parenting.

Who can help you think biblically as a parent so that you can find more joy in parenting?

Pray in faith. Pray in repentance.

If you don’t have a clear answer to the question above, then I invite you to pray for God to send you someone. (I’d also love to hear from you and be part of the answer to that prayer by connecting you with others.) Prayer is not just something that pastors are supposed to tell you when they write or preach; it is absolutely the lifeline of your parenting.

Fear keeps us from praying. We often feel we’re wasting time praying when we should be fixing something for our children. This is a lack of faith. We don’t believe that God cares to help us with our children. That’s simply not true. God cares about your children more than you are able (Matthew 7:9-11). Pray in faith, “Father, I place ______, my child, into your hands. I trust You more than I trust myself with ______.”

To get rid of fear, we need the flip side of faith which is repentance. Faith is turning toward God. Repentance is turning away from fear. Repentance is looking for those things in your parenting that you fear most of all, then telling them to God. I often find myself praying some variation of the following: “Lord, I’m afraid my child won’t be able to ______, and that would be the worst thing of all! Please help me believe they need Your love and my presence as their parent more than they need ________.”

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. We parent out of joy when we plant in ourselves and in our children a firm and certain confidence in God’s goodness toward us. Joy is the fruit of knowing that God has created our children in His image, and knowing that Christ has died and was raised for our children that they might have the same joy of adoption that we parents have in Him. If you know the joy that comes from faith in Christ, then you are free as a parent to observe your children, to be thoughtful toward them, and to pray with and for them without fear.

May the Lord bless you as you parent in joy.

In Him,
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