Have you ever seen a 3-D movie and worn the 3-D glasses? It’s quite an experience; the glasses distort your perspective. This distortion helps with watching a movie specifically designed for it, but even so, things appear very strange and often with a fuzz or glow; it can be extremely disorienting.

My recent experience with the Lord has been similar.  While I’ve been following Jesus for a long time, I recently realized how much my expectations mask what I thought God’s expectations were for me. I’m trying in a new way to get reoriented in His truth. I can’t and don’t want to go on as I have been living, with more worry and fear than grace and mercy. But how do I let go of these assumed expectations, and instead live out what I hear Him asking me to do?

I know, (and have known) he’s not expecting me to live perfectly. I know he’s not in heaven waiting for me to screw up, but that’s kind of the way I have been mentally living. I have been living as though somehow I need to know telepathically where and how I’m supposed to be living, serving, praying and what I should be giving up to love God well. But what I have somehow overlooked in the past 20 years is that it’s not what he wants me to give up that matters, but the mercy that he lived out.  He’s asking me to dwell on and recognize his mercy; to let him love me the way he always has and always will.

The gospel of Matthew has articulated Jesus’ love of mercy particularly for me. As I have been reading through these chapters, the scriptures have clarified over and over how Jesus really sees people. The kind of seeing that makes you feel like you are loved and known deeply. He looks for them, sees their needs and loves them. He doesn’t just say, “You’re healed,” and walk away (as he could have). But he sees into the heart of their needs and has mercy on their deepest heart longing. This is exactly what Jesus is doing for me. He continually moves towards me, saying, “Take heart, daughter,” and forgives me. In his forgiveness is a healing that will never be revoked and cannot be taken away even by the difficulties of this world.

Matthew 9:13 says, “… ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”

I’ve been looking all these years for things to sacrifice. Not just to sacrifice something, but trying to sacrifice because Jesus sacrificed himself. I was missing completely that he is the sacrifice and, as a result, that I was missing out on the incredible joy of mercy. Recognizing Jesus’ mercy is a disorienting, life altering experience that resets reality and puts the appropriate perspective into our hearts. Jesus sees us and gives us mercy. That’s what we need to see and cling to.

I had been clinging to being the good wife, not asking too much of people and always wanting to bring joy and not sorrow. I wanted to have things laid out perfectly so God would be happy with me. I desired him to know that I’ve done a good job studying his Word and praying over his people. If I had to give up something to do these, then I felt all the more holy. But I can see how I’ve failed to truly know Jesus by trying to DO everything the way I think it needs to be done. It just doesn’t work that way. That doesn’t mean those things are bad necessarily, but for me, I’ve been working away when I could have just been enjoying Jesus.

So what is it for you? How is Jesus trying to reorient your life? Do you have expectations of yourself or for yourself that have pulled you away from God’s heart for you? Do you live under the impression that you must sacrifice for him? We are completely unable to come to him ourselves, that defines our unrighteousness completely. Yet, he asks not for you to let go of something, but to reach out and grab onto mercy. What do you cling to, sacrifice or mercy?

In Him,

Cara