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Parenting by Grace

Parenting by grace is Christian parenting.  Parenting in a way that matches the gospel we believe is the way a disciple parents their children.  Offer only as much mercy to your children as you’ve received in Christ.  Love them only with the amount of affection you’ve received.  Of course, you have been richly blessed with mercy, and overwhelmed with the love of Christ.

It seems to me that my biggest mistakes as a parent came from the fact that I was a legalist when it came to parenting.  I made my girls toe the line, and disciplined them when they deviated, and hugged them afterwards.  Often that worked, but when things that should have knocked me off of my legalism happened, I missed it, and treated some things as infractions that should have been treated with greater wisdom, and of course, grace.

I could be a pushover sometimes, but typically I expected my girls to obey, and gave them a consequence when they didn’t - often a spanking when they were younger.  I think I needed to show mercy in some of those situations.  Our kids grew very grouchy and mouthy right before lunch.  They’d come back from pre-school all tired and socialized, and they were near about impossible.  Put some lunch in them, and little angels emerged from the pit of hell.  If it was Friday and Daddy was home, there was a good chance the spanking spoon might come out.  If I had to do that all over again I’d find a more merciful strategy for that.  They weren’t defiant, they were hungry.  I think feeding them, and having a gentle but firm conversation afterwards might have worked better for all involved.

If you are thinking parenting by grace isn’t ever tough, you don’t know much about grace!  Grace gets to the bottom of things, to the heart of things.  Grace looks to the disease of the heart as much as the outward behavior.  And as children get older, sometimes grace says, “If you want to keep living that way you are old enough to do so.  Mom and I will help you move into your new place.  If you want my help, I’ll help you find something you can afford.”  Grace-centered parenting is not free range parenting.

Here are some examples of what I mean by grace in parenting:

Repenting well in front of them.

One way we model grace in parenting is by living grace out at home.  When we blow it with them or with our spouse, we confess it to God, one another, and we tell them of our sin and need of a Savior.  Perhaps we even ask them to pray for God’s life changing Spirit to help Daddy be more patient in the future.   Legalistic parenting is all about asserting our authority - right or wrong.  Gospel-centered parenting is looking for every opportunity to model faith and repentance - even our own.

Allowing them to ask questions and even inviting them.

Of course there are times that for their own safety that they need to obey right then and there.  As they get older they ask why questions - why do we have that rule here?  These can be amazing opportunities to disciple your own children.  The Book of Proverbs is full of answers to why questions.  Why is a life following God a better life than the alternatives?  There are lots of great, patient answers in Proverbs.

Carey Neuhoff says that it’s not doubt that is toxic to a young person’s faith, but unexpressed doubt.  At some point the grace of God can allow us the freedom to allow their doubts to be given weight.  We can even talk about the times that doubt has affected us or is doing so now.  Grace allows us to believe in a God who knows we struggle with doubt, and sin in our unbelief.  There are answers to many questions we have.  We can’t answer them if we don’t allow them to be asked.

Rose Marie Miller, who helped me a lot through her teaching in the Sonship Course, has a book out called Gospel-Centered Parent.  Her writing can be a great help to reorient your thinking, which will guide and develop your practice of parenting in all ages.

Parenting is a bit of an art.  I pray the Lord may fill your heart with his love and grace, and help you to show grace to your children - at whatever age!

Gracefully yours,

Don

Don Ward

Senior Pastor

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