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Parenting Adult Children

Think about this concept: parenting adult children. That sounds off, doesn’t it? As an adult don’t you want to tell your parents to stop trying to parent you? What about this whole “leave and cleave” thing, Mom and Dad? As my eighth great science teacher would say, “TCYOB”- take care of your own business.

And yet, those of us with adult children find ourselves today in some confusing situations. We see them making decisions which are unwise or worse. Sometimes they are moving back home and that creates tension. They are too old for us to tell them what to do, but sometimes it feels like they are in sore need of our guidance.

We really do want to handle ourselves in a way that encourages their independence and adulthood. That is very biblical, as indeed the bible talks about:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen. 2:24 ESV)

For those of us with married children, our main job is to support that primary relationship of our child in every way possible. That means never undermining their spouse by voicing criticism of her or him about lesser things. It means when our child is fussing about their spouse, we keep pointing them back to their spouse to encourage them to work through problems well, and if they can’t, to seek the appropriate help.  There are exceptions to this of course, if a child is being abused or grandchildren are being neglected or truly harmed, we will respond differently.

With single adult children we must also be wise and careful to help them accept the responsibilities of adulthood. We will want to think through what financial assistance is available and under what conditions.  If they are living in our home, some good sit down discussions are important about what household responsibilities each person will assume, and how much rent they will pay. Sometimes we will be wise to let them experience the consequences of foolish life choices. It would be foolish to allow an adult to live as a 13-year-old. That enables their immaturity to continue.

What I am saying is when your children grow to adulthood, you are still their parents, but your role has changed. Now you will need wisdom about how to help and encourage them the most. This is a good word from God:

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. (Prov. 2:1-5 ESV)

Seek the Lord’s wisdom. Seek the wise counsel of others.  Love well and graciously. Those are my thoughts as I continue to learn and grow as a parent of adult children.

In Him,

Don

Don Ward

Senior Pastor

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