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4 Roses to Smell When You’re Upset

Stop and smell the roses. We tell ourselves that this is one of the keys to enjoying life. It’s hardest to stop and smell the roses when we’re upset. You’re angry at someone for something they’ve said. You are hurt by the actions of another. This is the moment when we most need to stop and smell the roses. What do I mean?

Here’s what happens when you get upset:

First there is an event. Something happens. A friend sends you an email that says he just bought a new car.

Second you tell yourself a story. This can happen so fast we don’t even notice. “He’s always bragging,” you tell yourself about your friend.

Third you feel an emotion. You might feel fear that your own car is about to breakdown. You might feel anger toward your friend. But your feelings come out the story you’ve told yourself.

Fourth you act. Quickly you send an email to a third friend and write, “Why does our friend always brag about his stuff? Someone needs to tell him to stop it.”

It’s just that fast isn’t it? We don’t do this with little things either. We tell ourselves stories based on things that have happened to us in our past. We let our emotions get the better of us and then justify our behavior with another story. One friend of mine admitted how this happens to him. He chuckled and said, “I’m always deluding myself. I don’t know what’s going on in my own heart, but I can sure tell you what’s going on in yours.”

This is the place where we need to stop and smell the roses:

The First Rose – What happened?

Retrace your steps when you’re upset. Notice your own behavior (Why am I yelling?) and take time to identify what happened. Most of the time when we finally express our frustration or anger it isn’t at the person with whom we’re upset. So you have to ask yourself, “What happened that upset me?”

The Second Rose – What am I feeling?

Anger might be the presenting feeling, but it’s almost always a secondary emotion that covers over fear, pain, shame, or guilt. What is underneath my surface anger? If I can distinguish between fear or pain, shame or guilt then I can smell the next rose.

The Third Rose – What story am I telling myself?

“I’m just as good as he is, but he doesn’t think so.” That’s just one variation on the many stories we may tell ourselves. That story can make me feel fear that I’ll never measure up, or shame that I’m such a shallow person for caring what another man thinks of me. If I know the story, then the feeling begins to make sense. But then I come to the moment of truth.

The Fourth Rose – What are the facts?

Usually we never get back to the facts when we’re upset. We think our story is fact. In the example above we think that “he’s always bragging” is a fact instead of story. When you think you have a fact you can check it by asking, “Can I see this fact?” Or can I be honest and note a behavior. My friend sent me an email with these words. Now, what story will I tell myself about this email?

Smell the roses. Make sure your facts are actual facts. Be careful of the stories you tell yourself. If you do this, it will be easier to let your confidence be in Christ, the one who gives us security in who we are. You might find your life to be more enjoyable by making time when you’re upset to stop and smell the roses.

In Him,

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Tag Tuck

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